Gutfeld on New York Times article suggesting people take fewer showers


This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” May 8, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MICHAEL STEELE, MSNBC POLITICAL ANALYST: Donald Trump brought the gold toilet into the RNC, into the party and everyone thinks there’s a pool and they’re just diving in. They’re just diving in.

JOY REID, MSNBC HOST: And then, here’s the thing. They’re — but I mean, Eugene, they’re diving, and poop toilet is full. It’s not like they’re diving in it, it’s empty. It’s full.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: It’s so ironic since her ratings are in the crapper. So, as we turn a corner on COVID, what new crisis is the media consumed with? Shark attacks? Alien invasions, CNN’s disastrous ratings which are now officially lower than the odds that Kat’s marriage last a month? Yes. Oh, the New York Times dives headfirst into the evils of bathing. Yes, bathing. COVID they explain has shown that bathing daily is not only unnecessary, it’s evil.

Pigpen is finally vindicated. I’m old. No wonder the media adores Antifa, the filthy scum. Because it seems bathing harms the planet. So they could have said instead that bathing is racist because most bars of soap are white. It’s called ivory, not Ebony and that is racist. We’ll be right back.

The article starts by offering anecdotal evidence that the pandemic is causing people to bathe less. There are proof parents complaining about their smelly teenage kids. Talk about hard hitting data. By that logic the pandemic also caused acne and terrible taste in music. By the way, teachers are — teenagers are like cheese. They’re supposed to smell. So I’ve been told. Thank you.

Then they say the shabby British survey claiming 17 percent of Brits have stopped bathing. When looking at Boris Johnson’s hair would tell you that. So Brits stop bathing and raises the question. How could you tell? Was that before or after they stopped brushing their teeth? Maybe they just want to be French. Anyway, like all lame stories meant to scold you for being normal, they relied on people in their own circle to interview.

Like Heather, a writer, because who would a writer for The Times interview but another writer? God forbid they find a plumber or a stripper. Or a plumber who strips. That someone who appreciates a good shower. Heather claims her shower use has fallen off by 20 percent and her ability to find a date, 80 percent. I hope they fact check this by smelling her armpits. But that does explain the other article about a decline in birth rates. So the science is settled.

Heather stinks. But then the times goes on to explain that daily showers are a new phenomenon growing out of the industrial age. Perhaps like penicillin, or indoor plumbing or missing fingers. They cite yet another writer. What’s with the writers? Who’s also an environmentalist. He baths once a week. His tub must have more rings than Saturn. This is all good since reducing the use of soap helps the environment as opposed to his underwear which are probably funkier than Rick James, currently.

He explains how we would wash at the sink under our armpits and our privates. He’s in his 60s which leaves me with quite a visual. Last night I had an — I had a nightmare about Wolf Blitzer in front of a mirror using a toilet brush. The Times built an article around a writer interviewing other writers about how they’ve given up looking presentable. Do they plan to ever leave the house again? For our sake, let’s hope they don’t.

That’s one way to get us all wearing masks. Then they guilt us by telling us that a typical eight-minute shower uses up to 17 gallons of water. Is that supposed to be a lot? It takes 920 gallons of water to make one gallon of almond milk or to flush whatever Brian Stelter had for lunch. They also tried to shame us for using soap because it’s made of petroleum. This is all coming from a newspaper which is made trees to produce each week Sunday paper alone.

It’s estimated that a half billion trees must be murdered. Slowly cut down, dismembered and turned into pulp by oil guzzling power tools. The Times has been doing that since 1851. If trees could talk, they’d call the Times Hitler. And they probably sound like John Kerry. But so once again, the superior minds at the Times tells us we’re living selfishly. Don’t bathe. They say, after screaming at us if we weren’t constantly scrubbing up like we’re doing surgery in a bus station restroom.

But you just know not a single editor or writer ever complies with their own prescriptions. Just writing about it is their sacrifice. Do as I write, not as I do, they say. It’s no wonder that while their editors claim not to take a bath, the paper actually is. It’s elitist and without a width of irony. And that’s why they’re dirty drawers aren’t the only thing that stinks.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. He’s so Southern, her horoscope sign is buttermilk, Fox Business Network anchor Dagen McDowell. Devil signs. He’s the mayor of handsome town. Population one. Fox and Friends weekend cohost, Pete Hegseth. If laughter is contagious, he’ll make you double mass. Comedian Terrence K. Williams. And she’s no longer harried now that she’s married, so soon be bury. Fox News contributor, Kat Timpf.

All right. So I have to go to you first, Pete, because you don’t like washing your hands in the bathroom.

PETE HEGSETH, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Today you saw me in the bathroom.

GUTFELD: That is true. We had a nice little moment there. Like we don’t — you really don’t know what to say when you see somebody, you know, in a bathroom. Do you have a long conversation? What if there’s somebody in the stall whoever hears something,

HEGSETH: But because of my reputation.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: I felt the need to clearly openly wash my hands in front of you.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. But there’s another weird side to you. You have these stenchy candles in your office to cover up your own stench.

HEGSETH: Yes. Well, maybe I’m ahead of the curve on that. Maybe I’ve been showering a little bit less than most people on a regular basis.

GUTFELD: So do you agree with this article?

HEGSETH: It’s weird to me. It’s really weird. First of all, your commentary about John Kerry, that picture, he looks like the trees from Lord of the Rings.

GUTFELD: He does.

HEGSETH: He really does.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

HEGSETH: Look close enough.

GUTFELD: Do you know how — you know how — you figure out how old he is?

HEGSETH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Anyway.

HEGSETH: You would think if you’re home birth rates would be up.

GUTFELD: Right.

HEGSETH: And showers would remain right where they are.

GUTFELD: Righ.

HEGSETH: And maybe it’s because the birth rate is down is the reason because people are showering less.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: How appealing is your non-showering husband or wife who’s like I’m just phoning in COVID. I’m done.

GUTFELD: How many kids do you have?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I was going to say you’re doing your best. Keep it up.

HEGSETH: Seven. And I’ll tell you this. I’ll tell you this. And they stink. One day have a kid not showering.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: Two.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: They take their shoes off and their socks. Disgusting.

GUTFELD: Boys, like tennis shoes. It’s like a landfill filled with used diapers.

HEGSETH: I’ve thrown them all in one shower.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s disgusting. That’s why I don’t have kids, Terrence. I’m not going to — I can’t stand smelly offspring. I — if it were my own kids, I hate them even more for their smell. Because they let me down, Terry.

TERRENCE K. WILLIAMS, COMEDIAN: You know, listen. I really think this is a liberal thing. OK?

GUTFELD: OK.

WILLIAMS: I think this is liberal thing, conservatives take showers now. All right? But maybe finally, these liberals can start to smell their own crap.

GUTFELD: Oh (INAUDIBLE)

WILLIAMS: OK? But listen, this is an excuse for them not to take a shower. OK? They want to save the planet. They want to save the water. And now they don’t have to use soap.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: So, now, these we don’t use animal products anymore.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

WILLIAMS: They want to find a reason, these people have not been taken showers before COVID. This is nothing new. Nothing new at all.

GUTFELD: Yes. And also it’s like, they really don’t — it’s great for them because they don’t really socialize with other people. So they’re just so – – but you confess yesterday that you stopped bathing?

DAGEN MCDOWELL, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK ANCHOR: Yes. Not stopped. I paid less and I actually on the weekends if I’m not seeing anybody like Kat, I will brush my teeth because the mask covers up halitosis. Like you did. Nobody knows. I mean, I’m alone.

GUTFELD: Are you wearing mask alone? Smelling.

MCDOWELL: Well, the dogs really don’t care. They’ve got — they smell like dog food. I love the idea. I read this article in The New York Times. You’re making a face.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I’m stilling thinking about the not brushing your teeth. I mean, I would do that when I went away to camp.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: I didn’t brush my teeth before this show. Because I left my hairbrush and I didn’t realize it until like 10 minutes before the show and I was like, oh crap. So I use my toothbrush to brush my hair. I have no the choice. I have no other choice.

MCDOWELL: Grim your eyebrows a little bit.

WILLIAMS: Yes.

MCDOWELL: I read that article in Times and I love the idea of a liberal trying to signal how virtuous they are with eye-watering body odor?

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

MCDOWELL: Like the stronger the stench, the more progressive you are, like, so rank that you leave a vapor trail.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know what it is? You’re the width of woke.

MCDOWELL: Yes.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MCDOWELL: That’s a cologne.

GUTFELD: That is the width of woke is a cologne by Prince (INAUDIBLE)

MCDOWELL: But think about it. I thought about —

GUTFELD: But nobody remembers (INAUDIBLE)

MCDOWELL: I do.

(CROSSTALK)

HEGSETH: I don’t know why not in my head. I have no idea.

MCDOWELL: But Mike, think about like a combination of smelling like Fritos, wet dog and like steamy feet. What are you telling everybody else that you’re a vegan? That you work in an animal shelter and I ride my bike everywhere?

GUTFELD: Well, also you’re an Antifa. If you smell and you have all that odor, you’re probably an Antifa which is the only group that will accept somebody who smells that bad. You know, Kat, before you got married. You were filthy.

HEGSETH: No. He has cleaned up a little.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: After walking to her office to talk to her about the latest thing she screwed up, I would literally have to walk over things that I couldn’t recognize.

TIMPF: It’s still like that. I prefer cluttered. But actually in the pandemic I was — I have to admit, I was not washing my hair. I was showering but not washing my hair only when I was going to be on camera was I washing my hair. And although, you know, blogs always like don’t wash your hair every day. So I was like, OK, blogs, I shouldn’t, I believe you. But then when we — the show became every day, I started having to wash my hair.

And I know this because after I went — one day, I was going to come to work without washing my hair and I asked him, do you think you can get away with it? Some dry shampoo and wash my hair? You know, he said to me, he said, would you like me to tell you the truth? Which means I looked like a disgusting grease ball and I did wash my hair and you’re welcome.

GUTFELD: It was — go ahead.

HEGSETH: No, I was going to say if — it’s like —

GUTFELD: Terrence go.

WILLIAMS: No. I don’t —

HEGSETH: I said something.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Oh, you know what’s funny?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It was just an honest mistake. Can I make a point?

HEGSETH: Of course.

GUTFELD: No. You go.

HEGSETH: Your show. The idea of bathing, is that still a thing?

TIMPF: Yes.

HEGSETH: The idea of laying in your own scrub miss? Do you wash in the bath? I think we’ve advanced from bathing.

TIMPF: I think it cleanse emotionally in a bath.

HEGSETH: But you do soak yourself down and that lay in the filth that you just soaked off?

GUTFELD: No. It’s something that always bothered me about that. It’s like you’re sitting in a tub of — the only people that do that are cowboys in westerns. They’re smoking a cigar, and they got their foot up. And they’re like this and there’s like hardwood floors.

TIMPF: I did that on Sunday. But I had my vape.

HEGSETH: Did you shower afterwards?

TIMPF: I don’t remember.

GUTFELD: Don’t do you ever spittoon in your bathroom?

TIMPF: No, but maybe I’ll take that up.

GUTFELD: By the way, I want to — before I move on. There was another article in the Times that we didn’t get tom, an editor, a Times editor suggested marking the end of the pandemic by everybody in America getting a week off. But in order for her to get the week off, and everybody at the Times, restaurants would have to close, you know, the bus drivers, stores because nobody can work.

So I’m thinking that only a writer can pretend it to go off the grid so people who haven’t worked for a year could —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: You thought that was good at first because I’d like to take a honeymoon but then it’s like OK, you could only go camping.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I used to go camping growing up, I’d be down for camping. You know, like I never realized growing up like oh, cheap vacation. That’s why. But I — whenever I bring it up to camp, he’s always like, why would I do that? I got paid to go camping and then I just have to thank him for his service.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You can’t put the cam damping. All right. Up next, the plane isn’t the only thing airline passengers who want to take off.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Are there too many jackasses with boarding passes? According to the FAA or FAA, the number of airline passengers ignoring COVID protocols is rising faster than Kat’s husband’s therapy bills. Incidents include customers not only refusing to wear masks, but shouting obscenities and even fighting crew members. So, when did airplanes become the bar from Roadhouse?

As of February 1st, wearing a mask on commercial flights became federal law. The FAA has also considered finding the most unruly passengers anywhere from nine to $30,000. That’s more than I make in a day, Pete. Meanwhile, the number of people flying commercially in the United States is still 40 percent lower than it was pre-pandemic. While I have no patience for people who throw tantrums, I get the frustration when people act like airborne idiots the airlines crack down on the rest of us.

But FAA rules are arbitrary and constantly changing. Some airlines act like you’re flying with a Luftwaffe. Travels stressful enough without flight attendants going code read because your toddler’s fussy or you pull down your mask to pop in a peanut. So if you’re a flight attendant remember we’re literally all in this together. And if you’re a jerk, leave your emotional baggage where it belongs at home.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Terrence. Is this — have you noticed this happening with you at all? Are you seeing more airline (INAUDIBLE) don’t tussles?

WILLIAMS: Well, listen, I don’t have to deal with this. OK? I never wear a mask and this is how I do it because they say you don’t have to wear one on the plane if you’re eating. So I’ll grab my water. Y

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Some peanuts and I cut all my peanuts in half so I can have enough peanuts to eat for the entire flight. I eat one peanut every 14 minutes. And as soon as the fight is over, I’m full of peanuts in. My tummy is hurting. I got to take some Pepto. But listen, I have my mask off the whole entire time. So I don’t — I don’t — I don’t have to deal with it. But it’s ridiculous though. I see them kicking off two year olds.

GUTFELD: Yes. Exactly.

WILLIAMS: Yes. Kicking off babies.

GUTFELD: Kicking off babies which actually I am for because babies are awful. Which leads me — I mean (INAUDIBLE) babies anyway.

WILLIAMS: They do —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yeah. How would they not allow vaping but they do allow babies.

GUTFELD: Babies. Yes. Vaping babies. Yes. You know, Pete, you have — I did the math. You have seven kids under 10 and a wife?

HEGSETH: Yes.

GUTFELD: OK. When you fly, that comes to a total of nine people. So you have a greater odds of creating a problem than anybody on the flight? Can I ask you a question? Have you ever been —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You know what people’s faces look like when we walked down the aisle?

GUTFELD: Oh my god. They think — they think you’re — they think you’re the cult of little people. All these little masks with — anyway, have you been — has anybody bothered you?

HEGSETH: No. I mean, first of all, I instill a lot of fear in all of the kids to behave.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: That’s it. You know what it ultimately comes down to? The disposition of flight attendant.

GUTFELD: Really?

HEGSETH: There’s so many wonderful flight attendants that look at you and they say I get what you’re dealing with here. I’m going to show you some grace to stay on your kids a little bit and do me a favor. It’s when you’ve got (BLEEP) either the individual or the flight attendant or a crew member who’s just looking for the gig.

GUTFELD: Right.

HEGSETH: They’re just looking for the one little down, so you keep lots of food in front of them.

GUTFELD: Yes.

HEGSETH: That’s easy, you know. And as much as I hate it, because I’ve had to fly a ton during the last year. You just — it’s the — it’s the rule at this point. If you don’t want to wear a mask —

GUTFELD: You can’t fly.

HEGSETH: Don’t go on a fight. You? So I mean, again, I don’t like it. I don’t agree with it. But it is what it is. I also bring a hat. And I just go like this. And I pull my mask down and I breathe.

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s really clever. Because that allows your nose to like be free.

HEGSETH: Just all the way down.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That’s like umbrella.

(CROSSTALK)

HEGSETH: — down and you’re just — you’re good, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes. So why Fox and Friends France though?

HEGSETH: Well. You never watch?

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s right. You do Fox and Friends.

HEGSETH: Every once in a while.

GUTFELD: Yes. Every once. That must cost a lot to fly with nine people.

HEGSETH: It’s pricey. It’s two rows then —

GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) wipe out your savings every trip.

HEGSETH: Yes. It’s like —

GUTFELD: Well, you can afford it. I can’t.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I want to pick at your libertarian sensibilities here. I feel like the problem with mask reinforcement is that it creates another variable that allows for conflict, like selling loose cigarettes, right? It’s like — It’s like nobody wants to get in a fight over a mask. But we’re creating now another opportunity for fights and therefore violence and therefore, perhaps tragedy.

TIMPF: I agree with that. I also agree that it’s been irresponsible in terms of the way the narrative has been framed this whole time. There’s this narrative that there’s these two groups of people. There’s the responsible people who are vaccinated, but they’re still going to wear two masks, even though they’re outside. And then there’s the psycho rednecks who would never get vaccinated if they go on a plane, you tell them to wear a mask, they’re going to throw a suitcase at your face.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: In honor of Donald Trump.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: There are — there are plenty of reasonable people out there. Many of us who are vaccinated and some of us precisely because we are vaccinated are quite frankly beyond sick of the (BLEEP) right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And like throwing a suitcase at someone’s head is psycho, but also demanding that people wear a mask when they’re an outside at a baseball game in a section full of vaccinated people or they get thrown out that’s psycho too. And I will take the suitcase throwing psycho over the authoritarian psycho any day of the week. They’re more fun. Risky but fun.

GUTFELD: Especially with the suitcases filled with vaccines.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I don’t know, Dagen. What are you — what do you — how do you feel about this?

MCDOWELL: Well, I’m — since I am a redneck psycho.

TIMPF: Yes. My favorite one.

MCDOWELL: People have forgotten how to behave in (BLEEP) public. They’ve been locked down the whole time and they get on airplane, put the mask on. Period. But it — listen, I — if I can control myself even in — on an airplane before the mask mandates, anybody can. I go from DEFCON 5 to DEFCON 1 in this case and I’ve never been arrested. And despite copious amounts of alcohol went on a plane.

I mean, I want — I want to go off on somebody before the pandemic for taking his flip flops off and shoving his hairy toes, you know, between the seats, put his feet up. You know, you look down on you see some hair cover toes. That’s enough — that is enough for me to take out like four or five rows of people.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: If you’re sitting like this on — like you’re in your chair and you’re sitting like this, and you’re like this and there’s that foot that comes up over here, it’s just like you should be able to grab it. And then with a slick — any kind of like sharp object just clip one of the toes.

HEGSETH: Vaccinate it. Yes.

TIMPF: Vaccinate it.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: No one would — no one will charge you though. Of course that person should lose a toe. With that so you could throw the toe, where everybody throw the toe around, we’d celebrate. All right. Up next, they’re putting up a fight over Snow White.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They’ve decided to hiss over Snow White’s kiss. Disneyland, wherever that is, has revamped its Snow White ride in the San Francisco gate which is the paper isn’t thrilled. And an editorial they claimed the famous is kiss and that fairy tale is considered problematic to them. You know the story, Snow White is poisoned by the evil queen, falls asleep and true love’s first kiss breaks the spell. Then, she’s eaten by dwarves. That’s in my version. The dwarves always prevail. In every story, I might add, I insert dwarves into everything.

Try it with every book or every story, just insert the dwarves. It makes everything better. Everything better. Yes, including the Godfather. Totally changed the ending. The problem? I don’t know where I am, writes Katie down and Julie Tremaine, they took two writers is that, is that the kiss is without her consent. While she’s asleep cannot possibly be true love if only one person knows it’s happening, like they know. They continue, it’s hard to understand why the Disneyland of 2021 would choose to add a scene with such old fashioned ideas of what a man is allowed to do to a woman.

So, yes, it took two people to write that a double byline as we call it. Now, consent issues aside, it’s still a very realistic story. You know, from the days when traveling royalty would kiss unconscious women and glass coffins while surrounded by a bunch of diamond mining dwarves. That should be taken as literally as a talking mouse, or your rich dunk duck uncle who doesn’t wear pants? I never liked that duck. Kind of perverted, Kat. I know that you’re hot on the story. Yes. What are your feelings about this?

TIMPF: I feel — OK, look, the prince obviously that’s a problem shouldn’t do that. But Snow White kind of an idiot, right? She just don’t move into some random bad dirty bachelor pad with seven dudes you met in the woods. And like, they’re only letting you stay there because you clean the house for them first.

If I would have watched this growing up, I would have thought there’d be no hope for a slob like me to find a husband at the ripe young age of 32 and a half. But I mean, I look I would watch these movies growing up and I, before, and I would say to my mom, like when the Prince and the fat you know, the princess and they find each other. I’d be like, what does she want to do? And I wasn’t a gender studies professor, I was a four-year-old. So, I was able to look at this and be like, Huh, this doesn’t seem like real life, let’s say and then we’d have those conversations. So these stereotypes they come from somewhere. I think it’s better to talk about them with kids watch the movies. And if I’m four and I can realize it’s not real, then probably other four-year-olds can do the same.

GUTFELD: I just think you didn’t like the dwarves because they were short. You know what, that’s what this is about. This is about look-ism, Dagen. This is about look-ism. Snow White was just attractive, right? That’s what this is about. And they’re coming after her for that. I just made that up.

MCDOWELL: Why is the Evil Queen evil? Because she has given like fierce bitches a bad rap for generations. It has been a setback for me, quite frankly.

TIMPF: Snow white, snow angel moving in with seven dudes.

MCDOWELL: Exactly. And is this really like? Is this really the worst that Disney has? Because Disney is a terrorist organization. The world when I was three, both my grandmother’s took me. You know what? That giant rat looks 50 feet tall when you got that weird, creepy girlfriend. And then you’re in Cinderella’s castle perpetuating the myth that you’ll be ready. You just need to wait around for some dreamboat like Pete. From your Catholic life. Again, huge setback for women for generation.

GUTFELD: You know, forget Disneyland, you should just go to handsome town. Population one.

GUTFELD: Should they make Snow White more woke? Is that — would that help?

TERRENCE WILLIAMS, FILM ACTOR: Well, you know, I thought she was counseled anyway. You know why? Why is her name not snow black?

GUTFELD: Exactly.

WILLIAMS: You know. She was out of the door anyway. So why are we defending her being kids let me. She is cute. I probably won’t kill you look out look at Snow White. But come on, this is ridiculous. But I thought she was counseling already.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know what the thing is? My suggestions, Pete, I came up with some. They should remake Snow White make, make Snow White, a biological male who identifies as an intersectional female not bad, perhaps a member of BLM or Antifa. And then Prince Charming is actually a body positive trans-activists who teaches who teaches drag performance to run away teens in a local park. You have again as we said, You’ve got 1718 kids. Read that you probably know this story by heart. I do. I do know this. by heart doesn’t Prince Charming save her life? Yes, yes. Yes.

HEGSETH: Did I miss a detail, here? Please save her life. Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

Did I miss a detail? He saved her life.

Yes.

I don’t know. I mean, if I was Dagon if you were down and the only option was some random guy kiss you to save your life I’d seen being for that. Yes, that’s a Tuesday afternoon for me. Yes.

MCDOWELL: Yes, that’s a Tuesday afternoon for me now. You know how often I use that line. This will save your line?

GUTFELD: Oh, this will save your life. wait, that’s not true. All right, don’t go anywhere. Our ombudsman is up next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back let’s find out if we got anything wrong so far this week. I always get a deja vu when I do that. For that, we go to our show, shows ombudsmen Steve Phoenix Jr. Steven I went to college together but we went our separate ways after graduation. Now we’ve reconnected and he’s here to point out any mistakes we may have made. Steve, how do we do?

STEVE PHOENIX, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: So, that’s the game we’re playing Greg that we went our separate ways after graduation. OK, whatever. Whatever. Just that makes it easier for you to live with yourself. Go ahead and live the lie.

GUTFELD: Do you want me to — do you want me to go there?

PHOENIX: You know, I, I’m not the one with the show, so I got nothing to lose. Don’t, don’t, don’t put me in a corner. Anyway, let’s get going.

GUTFELD: I thought we could like just get beyond this the past and concentrate on the present?

PHOENIX: OK, you know what, let’s bring that up in session. OK, let’s talk about this week. This week, a mixed bag for you, frankly, in the accuracy department. Let’s start. Monday, Monday, you seemed gender confused, Greg. And I’m going to ask our talented director Mike, just to roll that clip. Mikey, please.

GUTFELD: We should just get rid of all gender, all sports should just have no gender. It’s just like, if you want to play pro sports with everybody just jump on in, and then you just pick the best.

PHOENIX: Greg, let me see if I can just boil this down for you. Everything you said there is totally wrong and destructive and indefensible. OK. So, let me share some research, which you know, frankly, is something that you should do before you appear on television, even, you know, ad supported cable television. Studies show that participating in sports gives girls’ confidence and makes them feel better about themselves. Right now, half of all girls quit sports by the age of 17, according to an Australian study. So, your idea here would be to essentially eliminate girl sports and a pathway to self-esteem. And I know that your experience with women is limited to those with severe self-esteem issues. But just think about this, you are now on the side of the non-binary gender fluid people. The some men can get pregnant people. Want to explain that? Are you transitioning? What’s going on?

TIMPF: No girl sports would’ve helped my self-esteem.

GUTFELD: I’m going to tell you that I believe — I should have been clear, I want to eliminate all sports. Because I think that I think that sports only benefits one person in an entire town. Everybody else is NPC. We’re all non-playing characters. I was on a football team. I was on the third string, and you know why? Because we were there so the other strings could practice against us. We were just practice dummies. That’s why, OK, that’s why I hate sports.

PHOENIX: This has been fantastic. I really I think you’ve done some. I really applaud the work you’ve done here.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PHOENIX: This is the stuff we could bring up next time in sessions. This is great.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PHOENIX: Hold that feeling.

GUTFELD: I’m holding it.

PHOENIX: I want you to come back to that place. Meanwhile, Kat, I know you chimed in here. But first of all, congratulations on your wedding.

TIMPF: Thank you.

PHOENIX: Although Honestly, I think you married the wrong guy. But, but Tuesday you were unclear about an important issue, Mike, bro, you want to run that?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TIMPF: I just don’t get how a prenup would work, right? So, I’m again, and I’ve been away for three days, so keep in mind I am an expert on this. I just like see what you know when they do the thing like you take this, we say I do. But like if you have a prenup, you’re not saying I do, you’re like, I do but if I don’t.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Sign this.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PHOENIX: OK, so look what’s done is done. But a prenup is really just a document that both parties agree to that helps them protect the wealth each brings to the marriage and accumulates throughout. That’s probably less relevant for you since you’re currently on the GUTFELD! show and let’s be honest, not a terrific career move. But OK, according to renowned financial advisors, Suze Orman, you should always get a prenup. She says this, if you cannot talk money to the person that you are about to marry, you are doomed for failure, because money is going to run through your relationship more than anything else. And remember, just keeping a separate checking account won’t do it. Divorce experts say that because you keep your name on an account or finances separate or even on the deed to the house, it doesn’t mean it’s yours in a divorce.

TIMPF: OK. Well, first of all, my husband is in finance and he went to boarding school growing up, so do the math there. I didn’t right. And who is Suze? I don’t know, Suze, whatever her face is, but I’d like her to stay out of my marriage. And if she doesn’t, she’ll pay.

PHOENIX: Well, let me, let me —

TIMPF: She been talking to him?

PHOENIX: So much there. So much pain. Ask yourself this then, why given my financial expert, fancy, educated husband say any of this to me, what’s his angle? Ask yourself —

TIMPF: He hasn’t been talking to Suze because he respects me.

PHOENIX: Ask yourself what he’s up to.

TIMPF: I’m enough. He’s all — I’m all he needs forever.

PHOENIX: Look, the real question here is, the real question here is, why, why didn’t you marry me? I sent you letters. I sent you gifts. Why did you like that? J.K. LOL. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just a joke. LOL.

TIMPF: I didn’t, I didn’t want to upset, Greg.

PHOENIX: Kat, I wish you the best. I’m sure he’s a perfectly fine person. Just you know, I’m here anytime. No pressure. I’m here.

PHOENIX: Oh, hey, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PHOENIX: On Wednesday. Wednesday, you seem baffled by recent events. Mike, brah, you want to run that clip?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I hear this a lot from my drivers. Wearing a mask in a car and you’re alone, you get you hyperventilate. You’re breathing in your carbon dioxide and you get dizzy. And I’ve heard this anecdotally. So, I’m not going to say it’s a fact. Oh, maybe I will. It’s a fact. It’s causing an increase, dramatic increase in car accidents.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

PHOENIX: Greg, this is really weird for me, because you’re kind of half right. Which, you know, I like to say half wrong. That’s how I look at the glass. But a National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report found that the rate of traffic deaths per mile did go up during COVID. So, let’s celebrate a win.

GUTFELD: Go death.

PHOENIX: But not because of mask wearing. The study shows it was the near empty streets that resulted in faster driving, which in turn made streets more deadly faster travel, whether or not actually exceeding the speed limit increases the chance of fatalities and attract a crash. That’s what the report said. So you know, it’s true. But I want to ask you, ask yourself this, though, Greg, why do you think that people in a car tend to hyperventilate so much?

Greg, what is it that you’re doing in your car that causes you to hyperventilate and breathe so heavily? Is this why your Uber rating is so low? You know what? Don’t answer. Don’t answer. We’re going to keep the show super upscale. OK, so let’s move on. Dagen, Dagen, honey, you there. Huge fan. Just want to clarify something though. You said that wearing a mask hides bad breath, but recently dentists have said that what it really does is force you to realize how bad your breath has already always been for other people. You understand the difference?

MCDOWELL: Yes, but I’ve got sunshine in my mouth. So, there really is no problem.

PHOENIX: I’m sure — I get it. I get it. Pete, Pete, are you there, Pete.

HEGSETH: Yes.

PHOENIX: Huge fan. Huge fan. You did such great work on this network. I have no idea why, why you’re doing this show or who (INAUDIBLE). But I want to say you’re right about baths.

HEGSETH: OK.

PHOENIX: According to Healthline.com, showers are much cleaner than baths, but baths are more psychologically beneficial. So, the recommendation, frankly, is to take a shower, get super clean, and then sit in a warm bath. Which means of course, twice the water use and just by saying this, I have caused that New York Times report his head to explode.

HEGSETH: So, the opposite of what I said, which is take a bath and then shower? Thank you.

PHOENIX: Precisely. Precisely.

GUTSETH: You know what, we got to take a shower.

PHOENIX: Or you do what Greg does, which is take a sitz bath.

GUTFELD: I’m going to take a sitz bath on your face. Yes, sorry, maybe that might turn you on. Hey, we have to go, Steve. Great job.

PHOENIX: Greg, it’s been a joy as always. I appreciate the time. And I appreciate up just going down memory lane with you.

GUTFELD: Yes. Return my texts. OK. We can work, we can work on this.

PHOENIX: Let’s, let’s just one day at a time.

GUTFELD: All right. All right. Goodbye. A teen that cheated to win queen, and now she’s going to jail.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: She won homecoming queen, now she’s facing 16. A teenager in Florida where most teens are located, who helped her mother rig an election so she would win homecoming queen is going to be charged as an adult even though she was just 17 at the time. Just 17 or in other words totally dateable by Leo DiCaprio.

Prosecutors say that Emily Rose Grover’s mother, Laura, used her position as an assistant principal, talk about power, to access the school’s internal system and cast fraudulent votes for her daughter last year. And that students have reported that Emily helped her mother do it. And if there’s ever been a crime you’d blame on an Emily, this is it.

The parent now face multiple felony charges and a maximum of 16 years in prison. 16 years is a long time. To put that into perspective. If Kat went away for 16 years, she’d be 60 when she gets out. Were they too lenient? Pete? How do you set an example if you don’t throw the book at her?

HEGSETH: I don’t know where they got. I don’t know. I think 16 seems a little, a little harsh considering what people are getting out of jail for and not even arrested.

GUTFELD: That is true. Kat, is capital punishment on the table?

TIMPF: Never. Look, I just think it’s very interesting the values that this mother instilled in her daughter. Some moms would say you know popularity isn’t everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s for only for years. This mom said absolutely not, I will not have you spend three months having people think you’re not the most popular girl in school. We will risk prison for this. I think that almost the prison is probably like just the tip of the iceberg in terms of issues that Emily’s probably facing with her having her mother like that.

GUTFELD: Terrence, you think this is a fair punishment?

WILLIAMS: You know, stole some shoes from footlocker or something and she didn’t want to go to jail.

GUTFELD: That is so true. There are some — that’s true. In California steel hundreds of dollars-worth of stuff and they let you out. But this girl is going to get she’s going to go to prison for the rest of her life if she like doesn’t live very long.

MCDOWELL: All to be homecoming queen. All to be on the homecoming court. So, Kat — people like, Kat and me, can boo and heckle you from the stands while your (INAUDIBLE). Oh, you think you’re superior with your crown?

HEGSETH: I sense some, some background.

TIMPF: A homecoming is like a trigger word for me. Yes.

MCDOWELL: And by the way high school sucks. Yes.

GUTFELD: It does. Yes. And the whole concept of homecoming queen homecoming queen is why it sucks. It doesn’t add — it goes back to my sports analogy. All this crap is to benefit one person, and we’re all NPCs, we’re all non- playing characters in high school on sports.

HEGSETH: Unless you are, unless you are the player.

GUTFELD: That’s what I mean.

TIMPF: Crying in the bathroom with our light up flip flops on again.

GUTFELD: Don’t go anywhere, be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. You got to do that.
 

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